a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
