Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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