Is it because I queefed?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
