yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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