I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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