Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
