i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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