so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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