we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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