you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
