My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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