Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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