Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
