it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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