just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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