Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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