My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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