Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
