You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
