Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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