Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
