True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
