now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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