Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
