you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
