i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
