girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
