Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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