I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
