I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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