If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
