Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
