in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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