I cannot find my penis.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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