he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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