Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
