Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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