Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Drunk is a universal language darling
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
