My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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