i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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