I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
