My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
