I think my fart just growled at me.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
