Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
