Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize