Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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