We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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