Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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