if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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