Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
