I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
