I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
