i think my tv is drunk
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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