Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he's single and there are thong briefs.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
