I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
