i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
