it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
