my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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