Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
