Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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