i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
